We recently had the opportunity to get away for a week or so and grabbed at this chance to rest. Tess (15) and Talia (11) accompanied my husband and I, and the twins (10 month old boys) on this adventure.
Day one – morning
How lovely to be here in our ‘holiday home’. The home belongs to my bestest buddy in all the world and overlooks the beach. She’s left the house beautifully tidy so all we need to do now is unload the twins and secure them somewhere, unpack their cots, high chairs, bouncy things, toys, blankets, bottles, formula and clothes and we should be set. Oh yeah, and go back for Tess and Talia. Then, upstairs to relax and enjoy the view!
Day one – evening
Teeny hiccup when boys choked on handful of dog hair found behind the couch. Regan’s eczema flaring from the cat hair and didn’t bring his ointment. Must ring doctor tomorrow. Vacuum cleaner bag full and no replacement…clearly she NEVER vacuums! Must remember to feed said cat, and fish, and water plants. The view of the water soothes all these little niggles away however. Now, where did I put my Ventolin?
Day two – noon
Have been to doctors and got cream for Regan. Macca has fashioned new vacuum bag using gaffa tape and staples and place free of dog hair. All is serene and the seas are calm… although in new environment boys woke up fifteen times last night and only slept for 20 minutes this morning. All quite tired actually. No idea where Tess and Talia are.
Day two – evening
Bestest buddy has clearly tried but without locks on cupboards or drawers is bit tricky with babies. Both are covered in bruises from spills and falls. Can’t secure the stairs either. Talia is worried about brain damage. Might raid best bud’s liquor cabinet (discovered this afternoon by Tess)… just to settle the nerves and take the edge of having to be constantly bloody vigilant.
Day three – afternoon
Clearly no babies living in this house for some time! The photo-frames, the ornaments, the antique furniture, the table cloths, the cabinets full of china! Haven’t had a minute’s rest since we got here. So called best friend might have thought about some of this before she left. Raining and foggy so not even a view.
Day four – evening
What kind of moron has floor length strings of pink beads hanging over their internal doorways? AND STRINGS OF SHELLS HANGING OVER THEIR WINDOWS??? So far, fifty two items of furniture, breakable objects or choking hazards have been moved out of boys’ paths. No idea how we will put house back together when we leave here. Boys sleeping little better at night (only up five times last night) but crap during day.
Oh fuck! The cat! The fish! The plants!
Day six – morning
Yay! Got through the night with only one disturbance. Miracle! Should be a better day for all especially now got house arranged as we need it, and are all well rested. Might even get some friends over. Will definitely feed animals and water plants TODAY!
Day six – evening
They have GOT TO BE KIDDING! Watered plants this afternoon and it took two bloody hours. Who has two hours in their day to water pot plants? Must be about 150 of them. Who lives here anyway? A little old lady and her seventeen cats? (Oh dear, the cat!). No time for friends over… too busy tending bloody garden! Must arrange for Tess and Talia, at least, to have a friend come to stay.
Day seven – evening
Had brother and his wife and kids over. Been absolutely perfect day. Think we have finally found our rhythm here. Boys slept well last night and for two and a half hours this afternoon. Spent the time while they were asleep on the beach chatting, drinking wine. Absolutely brilliant! This is the life! This is why we came here. Love my bestest buddy to bits – she has such wonderful taste and so generous!
Day eight – morning
Going home tomorrow so must start rearranging house back to how we found it. Too late for girls to get friends over. No idea what they have done with themselves poor things. Only communication with them has involved me saying, “Shhhhhh”. Wonder if friend will miss that bottle of Baileys. And the bottle of Scotch. And the Bacardi. And Lord only knows what Tess has nicked. Nerves been quite shot when think about it.
Day eight – evening
All the furniture rearranging unsettled boys and they didn’t sleep. All grumpy and tired.
Day nine – evening
Home sweet home. Took five hours to pack up, clean up and do the two trips back and forward to get everyone and everything home. Really feel like I need a holiday!
About the Author
Jane French is a psychologist, stepmother and mother of twin baby boys and somehow she actually manages to find time to write.
Andrea Argenta says
I laughed til I cried over this and I don’t even know where or what the holiday was – so true Jane – can’t wait for your next one
Julie English says
Loved Jane French’s article re the holiday – very funny and clever.
OMG Girl – you just described my every holiday PK (post-kids)!
Kerry Hartley says
That is so funny and so true. Loved every minute of the article. Thank god my kid’s have grown now.
hynek hasala says
Smartly written, quick and to the point, an easy way to experience a holiday without actually having to go , love it
had a giggle…took me back to holidays with four small children and how exhausting it all could be.
Chris Rodoni says
Loved Jane’s story. Got a laugh. So true-no relaxation time with babies around!
Firstly, love the ‘Julie English’ commenting on ‘Jane French.’ Hilarious, but the whole scenario is so you….Frrrrenchy!
Lesley Argen says
Loved this story. Should write a book!
Great piece. Will have to show my wife – and her seven sisters!
Good one! More of this please.
Great and funny
Judy G says
And the crazy thing is, in 10 years time you’ll remember the ‘great time you had’ forgetting all the things that went wrong! Always funny when it’s someone else 🙂