Navigating Those Speed Bumps: Coping With The Major Stresses In A Long-Term Relationship

Is there such a thing as the “perfect” relationship? Of course, on the surface, we’re all looking for the ideal person, and when we find them, we won’t want to let them go. But there is no such thing as the perfect relationship, and when it comes to marriage, or any long-term relationship, there are major stresses that will rear their heads. It’s a fact of life. But what we can do, rather than fall at the hurdles of the stresses, is prepare ourselves better for what they could be, so we can cope with them. What are the major stresses in a marriage or long-term relationship?

Money

For all of the families out there struggling with debt, it’s unsurprising that money stress is often listed as the main cause of divorce. And you may think that this is just because people don’t have it; for those people that actually have an abundance of money, these can cause other issues. Because everybody has their own opinion of what money is and what it serves, it can result in a lot of disagreements. In one respect, it’s simple; as long as the bills are paid every month, there’s an emergency fund, and the children and yourself are catered for, there shouldn’t be any problems, right? Well….

Fairness in marriage is one of those issues that need striving for. And as marriage is one of those institutions that necessitate give and take, if it gets to the point where divorce is on the horizon, and the family lawyers come in, the finances will be scrutinised. Of course, the bitter irony being that divorce can cost a pretty penny, if only many couples learned to agree on certain aspects of finances, it wouldn’t have got to this point in the first place.

Children

Children, or lack thereof, are one of the main reasons marriages face struggles. From the perspective of a childless couple, there are so many heartbreaking realities to face. Sometimes it’s as simple as one partner wanting children, and the other wanting to avoid the prospect entirely. But for those that have children, the realisation soon dawns on how emotionally draining it can be to have children. When we are raised in a certain way, we can project these behaviours onto our children, either in terms of how we raise them, or on a subconscious level. This can automatically cause issues in a relationship because of different values. One parent may believe that there’s a certain way to discipline a child, while the other may not agree with this at all.

What’s important in a marriage is for the children to see that you are on the same side, despite the fact that you may have disagreements. Once it gets to the point that you are in two different camps, battles can rear their heads over the littlest of issues. And what can happen at this point is that each spouse may choose to undermine the other. Learning how to healthily debate these issues, especially in front of the children, isn’t just a way to iron out disagreements, but it presents a united front for the sake of the children. Once a child sees that each parent is undermining the other, they will use this to their own advantage.

Unhappiness

If one partner feels unhappy in their life, this will automatically transfer it into the marriage. It’s not to say that the marriage is the root cause of the unhappiness, but if one person is feeling the pressure in terms of life, either because they’re unhappy in their career choice, or they are feeling depressed, this can drive a wedge in-between the couple, and make seismic alterations to a happy household. But what happens when we are unhappy is we, consciously or unconsciously, take it out on them. If we are stressed in work and it’s making our lives miserable, we carry this with us like a weight on our shoulders.

What we need to do is address these issues head-on. If we are unhappy with our lives, the other person shouldn’t be the brunt of this. We need to take it on ourselves to make the necessary alterations, but at the same time, our significant others are there for us, and they want to help. This could be one of the major issues that we feel like we are on our own. But because this sensation of unhappiness can start to cloud our judgement, it begins to cloud the relationship.

Trauma

It could be emotional or physical. The speed bumps that every relationship faces can be due to certain traumas, which could be beyond our control. While they say it’s important to support the other person, if you are both going through the same trauma keeping the lines of communication open will help. But we have to know this is if the other person isn’t always that inclined to put their heart on their sleeves.

A very good example is the old-fashioned, stiff upper lip approach that men take. Some men choose not to open up, and it can come out in other ways. But also, some men can give off the impression that they are tuning out. This can be helpful to us. And this is where we have to realise that we can’t always be in each other’s pockets. What’s important in a relationship is that there is that sense of space, especially during something difficult.

We Don’t Need To Be Joined At The Hip In A Relationship…

… but when there are certain stresses, the temptation can be to separate emotionally. The fact of the matter is there are many issues that can cause speed bumps within a long term relationship. These issues can force a wedge in between us, but it’s how we learn to cope with these stresses. Some people feel they have the perfect relationship, but this is because they have learnt to navigate the difficulties and to open up when it comes to stresses. Others feel they have the perfect relationship because they don’t ever argue or disagree on anything, but if any relationship is to strengthen, they’ve got to go through the hard times first.